Two worlds, one country: why veterans feel betrayed by civilians

"Just imagine: there are two brothers. One of them helps his parents, and the other doesn't. They were bought one bicycle for both of them. Of course, the brother who helps with the housework is convinced that he has more grounds to claim it, because he works and deserves it. And the other brother does nothing: he goes for walks and drinks," says LIGA.net pavlo Yakymchuk, a veteran of the 73rd Naval Center of the Special Operations Forces of the Armed Forces of Ukraine, with the call sign Shustryi.

For Pavlo, the war began in 2014 when he volunteered to defend Ukraine. He fought for two years, and after demobilization he started a construction business. Back then, when he asked himself whether he would go to war again, he answered categorically: "No".

The full-scale Russian invasion changed everything – Pavlo rejoined the Armed Forces of Ukraine. He was among those who liberated Kherson. There, he and his comrades were met with a standing ovation: the locals thanked him, hugged him and cried sincerely. Then he was seriously injured. The doctors doubted whether he would survive, because they were actually putting him back together in pieces. He survived. Now he is a veteran.

"It was your choice, no one dragged you to this war," is what I often hear from civilians," says Pavlo.

Such words become one of the reasons why the military becomes disillusioned with civilians, and this creates a huge gap between us.

Statistics of misunderstanding between military and civilians

The war has created two parallel worlds in Ukrainian society: the military and the civilian. They exist separately, which creates mutual misunderstanding and frustration.

"Opportunities to live life for military and civilians are radically different," says military psychologist Oleh Krets. "For the military, even basic needs become a challenge. Going to the toilet or taking a bath is a whole story. A civilian manages time as a resource, while for a military man, time is a constant stress and problem."

"A person who has experienced trauma, even in civilian life, feels that they are not understood. This is how trauma manifests itself," explains LIGA.net Yaroslava Pekariuk, psychotherapist and mother of a veteran.

Her son went to defend his homeland in 2022. Back then, the woman recalls, she accepted her son's decision "with pain in my heart and pride." Today, her son is adapting to civilian life, and Yaroslava says that she is going through this journey with him.

Research by the Ukrainian Veterans Fund confirms this difference. While in February 2023, only 4% of veterans believed that society did not respect defenders at all, in November 2024, the number was 15.5%. Another 42.9% said that they felt "rather insufficient respect".

That is, almost every second veteran today does not feel supported by society. Hence another statistic: 54% of veterans feel disappointed in civilians.

At the same time, KIIS research shows a paradoxical picture: civilians trust the military the most, with the figure at 90-95%.

"Eventually, this is transformed into expectations from this segment of the population. When asked who you would like to see as future Ukrainian MPs, government officials, and so on. We have the largest number of Ukrainians, and the majority of them say that these should be representatives of the military," says LIGA.net anton Grushetsky, Executive Director of KIIS.

"Civilians often have such hopes that veterans will come and restore order and do everything. But the military are so tired, even if they don't say so or admit it. It is questionable whether someone will restore order, and someone will need to pull themselves together for years to get back on their feet and start wanting something again," warns Yaroslava Pekaryuk.

Society treats them with respect, trust, and even expectations that their role now is, of course, that of defenders, and in the future they will still be an active segment of society. However, these statistics contrast with the feelings of the veterans themselves.

"If there was a rule in Ukraine that you were either in the war or for the war, it would be easier," says Pavlo.

The veteran says that what offends him the most is the feeling of disrespect. "Quite often I have to remind people about the daily minute of silence at 9 am. And that you should, of your own free will, stand up, stop and honor the fallen who fought for you," says Pavlo.

Historical experience

The problem of the military's rejection of civilians is not new to Ukraine, says Mykhailo Lupeнko, a veteran with the call sign Angel. He knows this not from stories – he went from heroization to indifference personally.

Mykhailo is a volunteer who went to war in 2014. He defended Donetsk airport, he is a cyborg. He went through the Sands and the Svitlodarsk bulge. He lost both his legs in the war and experienced both a surge of people's support and complete disappointment.

"In 2014, when I walked from Bessarabka to the Maidan, I already had two thousand hryvnias in my pockets. People just came up to me and shoved money in my pocket, even chasing me down to give me something. Already in 2015, people were limited to just saying "thank you." In 2016, some people almost sent me away or looked at me as if I were some kind of dirt," he recalls.

For Mykhailo, this is just "human nature." "When the enemy advances, a defender appears and saves you – at that moment he is a hero. Over time, the danger recedes, and the feat is gradually forgotten. Then questions arise: why are they needed now? Why should I give part of my earnings to support them? This is how misunderstanding and alienation are born."

Fears and stereotypes about the military and civilians

In focus groups conducted by the Ukrainian Institute for the Future, veterans said that the feeling of indifference is particularly painful: "We come here and think that there should be support, but here we get this kind of hostility," the report quotes the authors as saying. Other respondents noted that in the first months of the full-scale invasion, society was much more empathetic, but later this support disappeared.

"Soldiers returning from the front often admit that we feel different. The extreme conditions and constant stress leave their mark, and a person may feel different after returning. There are a lot of symptoms, and it is difficult for civilians who have not seen it to understand what veterans go through. When a person is already in relative safety, various post-traumatic symptoms begin to appear," explains Yaroslava Pekaryuk.

Another aspect is fear and stigmatization. According to the Stalevy Foundation, about 20% of the military believe that civilians are afraid of them after they return from the front. And this fear is often reinforced by stereotypes: "they all have PTSD", "they can show aggression at any time". Veterans in the focus groups said that they heard jokes from colleagues or neighbors like "they will return and throw grenades" or felt that they were treated as "harbingers of trouble."

A separate block of the problem is the lack of everyday contact. This is one of the key reasons for the formation of stereotypes, fears and prejudice against veterans. Despite the 11th year of the war, society still lacks a lively dialogue and exchange of common experiences, which creates a vacuum of knowledge and understanding.

"Time, resources, conversation, and the opportunity to share are all very important. We carry a lot of emotions, both veterans and civilians. They have no opportunity to react, to "containerize" what they have experienced. Civilians do the same. There are too many things left unsaid, hidden inside. We need to work on ourselves, on resources, on supports, to feel the ground under our feet. Meanwhile, there is too much uncertainty," says the psychotherapist.

This leads to prejudice. Some civilians perceive veterans through the prism of media and rumors. Veterans, in turn, see civilians as indifferent or hostile.

Many respondents admit that after demobilization they remain in their own bubble: among the military, volunteers, and families of their comrades-in-arms. This creates a vicious circle: civilians have almost no positive experience of interaction with veterans, and veterans, in turn, avoid contacts due to indifference or misunderstanding.

"It's actually hard for me too. Luckily, I have my bubble, my environment, in which I am constantly spinning. Thank God, everyone here understands me," Shustryi confirms this thesis.

These are two completely different worlds that have very few points of contact with each other," says military psychologist Oleh Krets. According to him, a civilian does not understand how a military man lives, and a soldier who has returned from the front cannot accept the fact that civilian life continues as if there is no war.

Although polls show that the vast majority of civilian Ukrainians are not indifferent to the war, Hrushetsky objects. At least 70% of Ukrainians say that someone close to them has been killed or wounded in the war.

"Sociologists see that in terms of the level of perception of Ukrainians, this is not 2015 at all. The scale of the events and the scope of their coverage are completely different. In addition, Russia constantly reminds us every week with massive shelling that it is a terrorist state," emphasizes Hrushetsky.

The root of the problem: the state's lack of readiness

War changes a person, adds Krets. The military rethink their values and look at the world differently. They gain unique experience that cannot be gained in civilian life. Therefore, when returning home, veterans often face the fact that their vision of the world is sharply different from the views and problems of people who spent this time in a peaceful environment.

"A civilian needs to be explained that when a soldier returns, it is usually not 'conditional Mykola, who left the door two years ago and came back,'" the psychologist says. "He is not just older, shriveled, overgrown, or thin. No, a different person has returned with a different mental state."

Words matter, Pavlo says, especially when a civilian says them to a veteran. "When a civilian starts telling a military man that this country has given him nothing, this is called not adapting a military man, but rather triggering him," Shustryi adds.

The main problem of the current conflict between those who are fighting and those who remain in the rear, according to Pavlo, is the state's unpreparedness for a long-term conflict since 2014.

"We didn't have a sufficient army, we didn't have many experienced commanders who understood that this is a long-term perspective, that the war will take a long time, and that we need to calculate all the steps in advance," he adds.

As a result, the burden of the front fell on a limited number of people. "We hoped that there would be enough guys who voluntarily stood in line at military registration and enlistment offices in 2014 and 2022 to go to war," Shustryi says.

But when it turned out that there were not enough volunteers, the question of forced mobilization arose. "A civilian who did not volunteer cannot be dragged to war by force. And even if you do, he will go AWOL at the first opportunity, start evading tasks or simply not follow orders," Pavlo explains the realities.

"Tension arises even between the military themselves. They say, I left on my own, voluntarily, and you were brought in, and you start speaking out. Basically, this is a matter of human nature," says Pavlo. And this, he says, again shows that we as a country were not ready for such a long conflict.

What to do next

Therefore, according to psychologist Oleh Krets, it is necessary to prepare the military for returning to civilian life, and vice versa: "For this purpose, it would be good to organize special courses and create meeting places where the military can recover, receive support and share experiences."

"A little bit at a time will work. There is a parable about a boy who walked along the seashore and threw starfish into the water. He was asked what he was doing He says, "I'm saving the starfish that the sea has thrown ashore. But you can't save all of them. He says, 'Yes, one by one, one by one,'" believes Yaroslava Pekariuk.

Despite the insults she has experienced, Lupeiko does not hold a grudge. Moreover, he says that there is no disappointment. "We have to do our part." So now Mykhailo actively volunteers, supports veterans, especially morally, and helps them adapt to civilian life. He asks only one thing from the state:

"Teach children. From kindergarten onwards, we should tell them in a simple way who the military is, what they have done and what role they play. Wars will not disappear in the future, so children should gradually get used to this reality."

We contacted the Ministry of Veterans Affairs to find out whether they were investigating the problem of alienation between military and civilians. The answer we received was that the Ministry does not have such information and is not obliged to. That is, the agency that is supposed to work with veterans and society does not even keep records of this problem.

Meanwhile, despite his disability, Pavlo plans to return to the front in September. He is convinced that he is needed there much more than in civilian life. Mykhailo will stay close to the veterans and help them find themselves after the war. He says that victory is not only a battle on the battlefield, but also the ability of society not to turn away from its defenders.